Taking Mental Inventory

I am currently taking a break from writing a paper for a friend, my 3rd this week & y’all… I’m tired. Not so much physically tired as I’ve been lazing in bed all day, post-surgery recovering (I’ll get to that in a bit) but mentally tired. This year has been an exhausting one for me… & I’m sure for a lot of you as well.

Ironically my writing break has compelled me to do what but write some more & this time for myself & about myself. As I’m taking mental inventory of all the things that currently invade my thoughts, either stressing me out or making me smile, I thought I could share with you what’s been going on.

For one, I can’t say I’m too surprised by the results of this year’s Presidential Election. I sat watching the numbers add up, writhing in pain (due to an impacted wisdom tooth) in the comforting hands of my new slice of happiness. This scenario basically sums up how the events of my life this year have played out. Simultaneously bitter & sweet. I’ve been dealing with wisdom tooth pain on/off for the past 2 years. The pain usually lasts for 2-3 days then disappears for months at a time. Last Friday the pain started up again & by Monday it had only gotten worse, preventing me from going to any of my classes. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t perform any of my usual daily activities. But y’all know when it started affecting my EATING I was REALLY over it. Long story short, by Wednesday I underwent a double extraction & now have chipmunk cheeks.

Currently floating on codeine clouds — doctors orders! — & putting fulfilling my paper-writing commitments — because, “Let me write for you!” head ass — on pause, I guess I can chat about the cake I mentioned earlier. But considering the last time I mentioned my relationship status, y’all blew up my stats with views (almost 1000 in a day!) I feel like retracting a bit & giving y’all some explanations.

Last time I mentioned my relationship status, I concluded that things were “just fine on this end” concerning my relationship with he who must not be named. Who wants to ever air their dirty relationship laundry? I for one think I kept it as honest with you all as I could, letting you in on the fact that our relationship was sometimes not a relationship at all. Extending your love, commitment & the whole vulnerable package to one person is often a game of Russian Roulette… & well, sometimes you get shot in the head. Or heart. Or wherever. But maybe the bigger risk is letting go of what you’re used to in order to experience something greater, perhaps? I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt by how things eventually ended. By things I meant an entire friendship of 6 years that I definitely cherished, taking the good with the bad. I learnt quickly however that in order to experience different I can’t hold onto it all. The decision to finally say no turned bitter & ties (& Snapchat passwords) were lost. My last sentiment went unspoken & will probably never be heard but all I really have to say is farewell & goodbye.

These days I’ve been doing a few new things. One is giving myself daily affirmations when I wake up, expressed through Twitter. I’ve also adopted a new slogan (for lack of a better word) on social media: sugar, spice & positive vibes. Obviously I’m remixing a line from the Powerpuff girls but I like it because it’s a reminder of the side of me I want to hone into & express more. The side of me that looks forward to brighter days. The side of me that makes the best out of every situation. The side of me that remains true to her spicy self. And this is exactly how I feel in my current relationship. Out of respect for him, I won’t say too much or try to put his thoughts & words into words of my own. He is in fact quite vocal about what he feels & expects from me & I love that. Who knew I yearned for honest & meaningful communication this much? If we could one day come together & tell you just how spontaneous the onset of our entire relationship is, I’m not sure you’d believe us. It’s a new thing but y’all know new things are the sweetest *grin for the Gods* so that’s all I’ll say. If things stay right & tight I may have more to say later but for now I can honestly say I’m happy.

I have experienced the best and worst out of this year & I see that others have equally suffered but found blessings in the midst of it all. I feel for those who are currently worried about their value in a country set to be run by a vile & disgusting figure of a man. His remarks about different communities of people (that literally make the U.S. what it is today) infuriates me & what’s crazy is this is just the beginning! In times like these I encourage you to also take a mental inventory of the things that are both stressing you out and that make you smile. What things can you get rid of or change — like my wisdom tooth from hell or an unhealthy relationship — that will ultimately cause you less pain in the end? What things can you choose to appreciate & hold onto as inspiration?

Remember to give yourself some time to just be. You don’t have to spend all day in bed like me but five minutes of reflection won’t kill ya!

Processed with VSCO with p5 preset

– sugar, spice & positive vibes! (+ swollen cheeks & some more cheeks)

A.P.

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