I’m still in bed at 1:31PM contemplating a recent conversation I had with J. I’ve learnt a lot from our conversations… These past 2 years in particular. After 6 years of working on this partnership, I don’t know everything about relationships but I know a lot about appreciation.
For the record (& a bit of a disclaimer), I’ve only had one relationship in the past 6 years. Anything else you can interpret with your own labels, I don’t care. I also don’t care to claim anything else as serious or meaningful. If that bothers you, go read a book.
I never speak too openly about our relationship. For one, because of how private of a person J is & my need to respect his wishes. And then because our relationship is not typical & may be hard to understand. This is an understatement.
What is a relationship? I have known J for 6 years now. At times we are inseparable while other times we barely speak. Our titles have included: boyfriend/girlfriend, best friend, partner & simply, “my friend” but never nothing. He has always been something to me & I, to him. In that way we have a relationship. A commitment to stay in each other’s lives. But is that enough?
I spend hours speaking to J on the phone. We talk about everything but tensions rise when we talk about the past. The hurtful past. Sometimes the recent past. Things we wish we could forget. Things we wish never happened. We talk about how to deal with those disappointing ventures. Those misleading curiosities. Our feelings of betrayal. And we talk about why, after all the bad we still spend those hours on the phone. Contemplating what this was, is & could be.
But where there is bad, there is good. Something to recall & smile about. Something to appreciate. Something to look forward to. J & I have so many of those. We have a thing for making each other laugh. I still laugh at things he says daily. Somehow he thinks it’s oh-so adorable when I say, “Excuse me?!” (I’ll admit, I say it more frequently when he’s around) & he can’t help but laugh at my fake expression of being offended. We have adventurous spirits. We both love exploring new places & even those days when he’s just “my friend”, I will never pass up a slow drive through the city or a pop-up lunch date with him. I love our movie dates. I love when he surprises me with visits. We just recently checked off our “flying together” goal on our bucket list & that week in Grenada was the best time I’ve had all year. I just love being in his company. And even when his company is accompanied by tears & frustration, I still just want him around.
I could say a lot about him, personally. If you know him you’re lucky & I’m never mad when people talk about how much they like him. Can I blame them? He’s an amazing guy & I appreciate the person he is. Like myself, he’s worked VERY hard to become the person he is & I’m so proud of him. At times we are opposite. I’m definitely the wilder spirit & sometimes I leap without looking down below. He tries to keep me grounded whilst I try to justify my actions. We play tug-of-war with beliefs & half the time, he’s right. I learn a lot from him. He learns a lot from me. I try my best to act right.
The long distance though? Our biggest feat. Look, I don’t recommend it for anyone else. Something clearly binds my soul with J’s in ways I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain. But long distance is a b*tch. At times it may well have been the reason that our partnership faltered & interests faded. At times it prevented us from comforting each other in the days we needed some love the most. We see each other more frequently now but there was one point I went almost 2 years without seeing J in person. It’s so crazy to think about now. However, our miles apart made us strong af.
Let me tell you…
In the past I had the tendency to develop dependencies on those around me due to my anxieties of never being “good enough”. In other words, I had the insecure disease real bad. And when I met J, he can tell you, I thought he was my angel. It didn’t take long for me to get attached & I wanted to be with him 24/7. It wasn’t healthy. Even after he left for PA in 2010, the pressure I felt to keep us together was the force that pulled us apart & eventually caused many issues in our relationship. We both needed to grow. I had to stop worrying. I needed to find myself.
5 years post separation, I’ve come to realize it’s not about finding myself but creating myself. Knowing that I am enough. Knowing that this is enough. I needed time alone to become the woman I knew myself to be. Who wants to be dependent on someone else all their life? I surely didn’t. I envisioned independence for myself which I’m still working on to this day.
And as for J & I? All I can say is, don’t worry about us. We’re doing just fine.